How can I recognise genuine symptoms?

The difference between a real symptom and a pretend one is how much you are willing to believe in it. Type them into Google, you’ll be amazed at how sick you are.

No, extra vitamins and a brisk walk won’t help.

What generally happens in a consultation?

You come up to my room, we talk, share a few stories, I show you my toys, we laugh then tighten the straps a little. Once we’re both comfortable we take things a bit further.

It won’t hurt will it?

You know what they say – No pain no gain.

No, honestly… remember back in primary school when you had to have your teeth checked by the dental nurse and you were scared of all those drills and the strange flavoured mouth rinse. But in the end it was all ok because the nurse gave you a piece of coloured cotton wool on the end a string and called it a bumblebee and you were so relieved it was over that you formed a strange connection to that piece of cotton wool and treasured it for at least a couple more weeks.

The Physician is that bumblebee

I’m a little nervous – you won’t ask me to undress or anything like that will you?

If a doctor asked you to take your clothes off and stand on your head – would you?

Well, in this case don’t – there is absolutely no need for that kind of behaviour.

Will I have to do anything in public?

Only if you want to. The Physician is like a guide dog – you chose the lead and the collar and tell me where you want to go.

Who doesn’t love a walk?

Will I need ongoing treatment?

Possibly, although spontaneous remission is common (to be covered in greater detail in the upcoming section titled – Understanding Neurocratic Deposits).